How to walk a cat

I’ve just returned from my invigorating sunset stroll. Much like humans enjoy, except Mama insists on dressing me in a ridiculous harness contraption. By restricting my adventure zone she claims this will prevent the following unfortunate fates should I abscond:

a) being stolen by another British Shorthair enthusiast who in addition to lacking morals, serves poor quality food;

b) facing a violent altercation with another feline, resulting in torn ears and decimated pride; and

c) prematurely waking up in the cathouse in the sky after playing tag with a 2 tonne vehicle on big wheels.

I couldn’t find a more committed pessimist if I tried. Still, I am choosy when it comes to the evening meal, or the morning one for that matter, so I acquiesce.

If you too insist on harnessing your feline while tip toeing through the catnip, may I suggest the following.

For the first-time feline stroller, leave the door to inside open in case we need to make a hasty exit from the frightening thing that is nature.

To the outdoorsy Mama (or Papa) grass may appear to be a harmless ground cover. But beware! Strange creatures lurk beneath so if your feline employs the same hesitation walking across the lawn as one might a minefield, be patient.

Remember that your feline companion is not a canine. Instead of panting stupidly at your heels, looking up to you for approval and the next move, we like to take our time. Smell the roses if you wish. Don’t yank on that harness, just let us be!

Take it slow. We can spend months exploring the one backyard. Even then that might be enough.

Magic Trick

Now you see me…

Now you don’t.

Cat Confucius #1

It’s not easy climbing to the top but that’s where the mousie is.

Academy Awards for Cats – Nominations

I wake with a start. What was that dream about? Oh yes, King Copernicus and his statues made of chicken. *Yawn*

Let’s pretend there’s an Academy Awards ceremony for cats. We’ll call it the Whiskars. Who’s up for nomination?

• Church – Pet Sematary
• MAD Cat – Inspector Gadget
• Scratchy – The Simpsons
• Puss in Boots – Shrek
• Fat Cat – the Australian kid’s show banned over the controversy surrounding Fat Cat not wearing pants. Name a cat that wears pants?
• Tom – The Tom & Jerry Show
• The Cheshire Cat – Alice in Wonderland
• Garfield – as himself
• The Cat in the Hat – Dr Seuss
• Sylvester – Looney Tunes

To all the boxes I’ve loved before

To all the boxes I’ve loved before
Who travelled in and out my cat door
I’m glad they came along
I dedicate this paw
To all the boxes I’ve loved before

To all the boxes I once caressed
And may I say I’ve held the best
For helping me to grow
I owe a lot I know
To all the boxes I’ve loved before

That means you too Xbox.

Embarrassing situation rescue

For centuries felines have been lauded for their ability to land on their feet. This has regrettably inspired the circulation of ridiculous questions such as ‘if buttered toast always lands face down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you buttered the back of a cat?’.

For starters you’d have furry vegemite toast for the next month. And secondly, the cat in question would proceed to groom himself in an attempt to rid his pelt of the substance, most likely resulting in a large amount of vom on your favourite piece of furniture. Nice.

I raise this because I suffered a most embarrassing situation this morning. As Mama stood at the bathroom sink drawing on her face I was enjoying the cat spa. Splash here, splash there, hop to the other side of the vanity,  paw lick, stare. Hop back then WHOA, WHO PUT SLIPPY ON ME TOOTSES? I scrambled to hold tight but I tumbled to the floor, ear over tail. Because someone put so much slippy on my tootses I couldn’t get a grip on the tiles and ended up on my side.

HOW TO RESCUE THE SITUATION

1. With lightening speed, gain your composure and indicate that you intended this maneuver all along. The easiest way is to pretend nothing at all has happened, and commence grooming your hind toots as if the observer has imagined the entire thing.
2. Groom furiously, as if you’ve been bathed in canine sweat.
3. Once an appropriate amount of time has passed, sit up, glance at your observer and meow ‘What are you staring at? Never seen a cat lick its tootses before? Get back to work’.
4. Once in another room, praise your savvy pride conservation and take a well deserved 5 hour nap.

Chairman Meow

Feline fashion often ranges between sickly sweet and just downright insulting. But today Mama donned an outfit of which I approve.

It’s from cafepress and while Mama says the quality isn’t great, the sentiment certainly is. I salute you comrad.

Cat TV

The only good thing about spending a night in petspital is that Mama feels obligated to spoil me with special privileges and treats when I come home. It almost makes it worth it.

Here’s me watching some feisty birdies on Cat TV on the iPaw. They got me trilling like a lovesick canary! Papa doesn’t like me playing with iPaw because he thinks my claws leave scratches on the screen, but few can successfully dissuade a Mama with the guilts!

UTI a pain in the B.U.T.T

This time last week I was in all sorts. For some reason I had to wee wee ALL THE TIME but nothing much would happen. I kept going to my litter box hoping this time – it’ll happen this time. But then I got this burning sensation that was yowwee! Mama couldn’t understand why I was so agitated, until she took me for a stroll in the backyard where I squatted three times, pointed at my tail and meowed ‘See? There ain’t nothin a comin’ out Mama!’.

Finally she zipped me into The Copernicus Carrier and took me to the emergency petspital.

I was so nervous I nearly wet my fur… except obviously I couldn’t. Luckily we didn’t have to wait very long. I did however have to share the waiting room with a pathetic looking canine who most likely hurt himself by tripping over his own tongue.

Dr Fiona was very sweet and it was blaringly obvious she had a crush on me. Her chin scratching was definitely well practised, and amazingly she could speak Cattish. All the while lulling me into a false sense of security until she asked Mama to hold me on my back so she could inspect my yowwee! How undignified.

I was forced to stay overnight, but I didn’t mind anything much after Dr Fiona gave me something magical that took away the sting and let the butterflies fly around the room. Zzzzzzzzz…

It turns out I had an irritated bladder, or cystitis. Very common in boy kitties (especially indoor ones) as our plumbing is so intricate. There are different causes, but here are my tips for avoiding it:

1. Drink as much water as you can, from any clean source. Make sure Mama/Papa washes and refills your water bowl daily. I love splashing around the water from the bathroom tap. My buddy Woody here has the right idea. 
2. If Mama/Papa is serving you dry food, make sure it’s good quality like Organix Feline Formula that doesn’t contain any corn or other fillers we can’t digest. And only for breakfast!
3. For dinner, ask Mama/Papa to serve you a good quality wet food and alternate with chunks of raw chicken, beef or lamb. Great for cleaning the molars! (I went to the vet for a yowee checkup on the weekend and the nurse said I had the most beautiful white teeth she’d ever seen! Can you believe it? Of course you can.)
4. If you notice any tingling or discomfort down there, tell your Mama! She’ll probably notice your futile fussing in the litter tray and general irritation, but if not, you’ll need to be more obvious. Yowl around her feet, get aggressive, wee on the floor/sink/bed, try and trip her over as she walks across the room and be generally annoying.
5. The trip to the petspital was around $400 including spending the night and the various drugs. Which reminds me – those little pink pills Mama is pushing down my throat these days taste worse than the sweat of canines. Well, perhaps not. Nothing tastes that vile.
6. Take this seriously. Boy kitties who develop a urinary blockage can find themselves in the big cathouse in the sky in under 36 hours.

The best cat toys. Seriously.

I consider myself a distinguished puss, so you won’t find me chasing after any old toy. Here’s my top ten. How many can you do in a day? It depends who’s around to watch.

10: Feather bowers – yippee! Fabulous feathers flying fast and furious! Fantastic to lick – lick – liiiiiiiiiiiick. Tolerable to wear if your Mama makes you.

9: Cardboard boxes – you can’t see me. Now you can. Now you can’t. No, actually you never could.

8: Cat in the bag – I don’t know where this little buddy gets his energy but he seriously never stops. Except when I sit on him.

7: Laser pointer – beware this is a very elusive dot. I myself have never actually captured it.

6: A ladder or anything else that reaches new heights. Except the kitchen bench. That always ends up badly.

5:  Da bird featuring kitty copter – oh my paws, this sounds like heaven and tastes like you’re sinning. Not recommended for kitties with addictive pawsonalities.

4: Shoe laces – chew – chew – chew – chew – fling – chew – chew…

3: Drinking straws – fast movers and double as tooth picks. Hold horizontally between teeth and scrape along the wall for increased midnight fun.

2: Furry mousies of any colour, I don’t discriminate. When chase time’s over, grip deftly between teeth, drop before Food God (aka fridge) and with one swift paw, slam mousie under the door until he hits the back wall with a thud. Score.

1: Da bird featuring hedgehog mousie. I can’t even write about this. I get shaky with desire.